I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
