He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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