Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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