A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
