i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
