Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
