I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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