singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
