life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
