the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
