I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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