quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
