One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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