My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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