VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
