I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
