i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
