I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
