I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
