Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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