what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
