Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
