remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
