Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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