My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
