My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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