Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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