that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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