Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
