My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
