I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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