I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
