@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
