The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
