Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
