yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
