How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
