the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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