Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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