Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
