1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
