Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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