All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
