um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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