seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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