What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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