Who did Billy Mays play for?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
