btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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