I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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