I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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