so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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