he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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