Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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