paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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