I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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