I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
